rejection

You would think from all of the years I spent at ballet cattle call auditions I would be used to being rejected. Your too this or not enough of this...the list of reasons seemed endless of why I was never good enough. Each time after the tears abated I would gather the broken fragments of my dream that still burned bright within my heart, make a new plan, and set off again.

Not every attempt was fruitless and I eventually found my niche, but it was short lived and once married (about a year later) I found myself pregnant with my first child. Tucking those dreams of Odette/Odile and Sugar Plum Fairy away, I packed up my pointe shoes, my tights and leotards and I set off on a completely new adventure. This adventure called for elastic waist pants and tent tops :), this adventure proved to have far more meaning and far more fulfillment and challenge and hard work than it ever had been to don those pointe shoes and do endless bar exercises day after day. I would only briefly look back now and then and wonder what if this or what if that, but with fondness instead of regret.

As we added to our family and my children began to grow up I started to dream again. This time instead of leotard, tights and tutu's, running shoes and pens scratching across the paper began to toss around in my heart. Dreams of running faster, harder and for longer distances and writing more often with greater talent snagged my attention and has yet to let go. Along with being a better/kinder etc; wife, mommy, and homeschool parent, running and writing occupy the top of my goal list.

So when a rejection notice arrives (my 2nd this year), as it did today, I find myself wanting to cry and eat lots of chocolate (I can find almost ANY excuse to eat chocolate), and not try again. What if I am never enough? I am tempted to give up, stop writing, convince myself I am just not good enough...but what if? What if I don't give up and instead I scrape up the fragments of this dream, dust them off, and make a new plan? What if this no leads to a greater yes? Or what if this no is to strengthen my resolve - not crush it? What if it is to humble me so that I am more ready than I would be if I had a lot of yeses (is yeses a word?) along the way.