Sunday, November 20, 2016

Things that keep me up at night

Do you ever have that running loop of 'what if' thinking that runs round and round through your mind, never seeming to run out of steam or get tired?  Or maybe that's just me?

It can range from something close and personal, like, what if our days never even out and the things that most people take for granted never become easy or second nature for one (or more) of my children?  Or what if one of our animals gets loose?  Or dies?  What if my husband gets sick or dies?  What if I get sick or die?

It can be close to ridiculous, like what if I never lose that last ten pounds and always have chubby thighs?  I spent so much of my life taking for granted that my legs were toned and thin, now they are dimply and not toned and definitely not thin.  What if I can't get another hot chocolate this month?  What if it doesn't snow or really get cold this winter again and it feels like the summer never ended?

It can be something far removed from me, yet it still weighs heavy on my heart.  What if the country we live in continues to fracture and splinter and be consumed with anger and hurt?  What if we as a nation continue to turn our back on God and forget His Word?

When I was thinking about this the other day I realized most of my fears have one thing in common.  Me.  Either how it affects me or what I can or cannot do about it.  Rarely if ever does it factor in God or what He has to say about it.  So starting tonight I want to do something, I want to conquer these fears.  As they come up.  I want to find a verse that speaks directly to the heart of my fear.  Because really, is it the hot chocolate or the comfort and routine of it that I desire?  I often say getting a hot chocolate is like getting a hug from the inside out.  It is chocolaty and warm and comforting.  But it's not my source of comfort, or it shouldn't be if I have made it so.  The death of myself, my husband, my child, my parent, my sibling, my friend - why do I worry about that?  Psalm 139 clearly states that every single day was recorded in His book before one came to be.  I am not going to add one more minute to anyone's life worrying about it.  I struggle with fear, have pretty much my whole life.   I think I came out of the womb worrying.  It's not easy for me to trust, life has taught me that it's safer not to put yourself out there, but then there is the whole Jesus thing.  Jesus kinda blows that out of the water.  Actually there is no safer place to rest than in His hands, so why I am always so full of worry that I have a low grade tummy ache?  Part of it is just my DNA, it runs in my family, tipping over into full blown anxiety and panic for some, but part of it is some days I spend more time reading and pouring over the latest headlines or what so and so has to say about God than I do actually digging in and meditating on what God has to say about God.

Those things (the latest news or words from someone else) are not solid enough to stand on.  So this week as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving, I want to make sure that my heart is right, that it is so full of His Word there isn't room to worry.  Or fret.  Because one thing I have learned, oftentimes the hard way, is that His Word is strong enough to stand on.  It's strong enough to support me when I flounder and fail, strong enough to support me when I kneel and cry out, strong enough to support me when I dance and soar.

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