Thursday, March 2, 2017

48 hrs

Yesterday was hard.  I went to the store...hungry.  

BIG mistake.  


I didn't cheat, but boy was I tempted.  I even mapped out in my head how I could do it, position my daughter's wheel chair so she couldn't see it, grab it, scarf it down asap.  What is wrong with me that I thought that out?  


I think it would help if I clarified for myself why I am doing this.  I used to be a professional ballet dancer.  I was thin and in shape (but thought I was fat at the time?!?!) I was always on a diet, always watching what I ate (in an extreme, unhealthy way).  

Then I got married and got pregnant.  WOOHOO - I could eat three meals a day - when was the last time I ate three whole, entire meals a day?  I could snack,  I could have DESSERT - whenever I craved it.  The only problem?  I gained 50 lbs.  Most of it came off pretty quickly because my baby was fussy and I literally walked the floor for hours on end.  Who cared about the additional 10lbs I held onto?  I was no longer stuffing my legs into tights and a leotard, no longer spending my days in a room surrounded by mirrors, no longer had to care what so and so thought or whether that tutu would fit or whether I would lose out on a part because my partner could not lift me without giving himself a hernia. 

The second pregnancy I was determined to be more careful and I was.  I only gained 24 lbs, but that added with my 10lbs from last time meant I had 34 to lose.  I lost about 25 - still clinging to those stubborn 9-10lbs.

The third pregnancy?  We moved in the middle of it, several states away.  I stress ate.  All,the,time.  I gained 50lbs. again.  This time though the weight did not come off.  It expanded.  I gained even more.  I was too tired to care.  Then the chronic health issues started (or got worse) for my kids.  I ate chocolate by the bags.  I had my husband run through drive thru to get dinner for us, I sat by the bed or couch of my kid(s) or rocked them in a chair - not getting any exercise at all :(.  

Then one day I took a good long look at myself and was ashamed.  The dimply thighs, pudgy tummy, and well cushioned bottom...who in the world is that person standing there?  I thought about what my old friends, artistic directors, teachers, coaches, and partners would say if they saw me now?  How could my husband (who was also a professional dancer) still look at me?  I looked like I had swallowed cartons of cottage cheese blubber.  I weighed more than I had nine months pregnant.  I was determined to do something about it.

So I did.  I worked hard for two years and slowly, slowly, slowly 40 lbs came off.  I was so proud of myself that Saturday morning I stepped on the scale and was within 25 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight - I fit into jeans that I hadn't worn in years, I felt great.  

Then the holidays arrived.  And I went back home for the first time in 5yrs to see my extended family.  And little by little the weight crept back on.  Five lbs the first year, ten the second.  Today I have gained 20 of my 40 I had lost back.  I am so sad.  Why did I do that?  

I realized the other day - I am tracking my calories, running/walking, and biking, oh and rowing on a row machine.  Not every day - but enough that I should be seeing a difference and I am not.  I thought about it and realized when I am tracking my calories on LoseIt that I don't track that one cookie, or those few m&m's, or that bite of a piece of cake (that I go back for 'just one more bite' over and over and over again until I eat a whole slice).  I also realized that the days when I start my morning off with a sweet something (cinnamon roll, french toast bagel, muffin, or hot chocolate) I crave more sweets and I snack more through the day than when I don't.  The sugar had to go.  

I love sugar.  I come from a long line of sweet lovers.  But I decided I do not want to pack this extra weight along every day for the rest of my life, I love being able to be active and fit and not so tired all of the time.    That is why I am doing my sugar challenge.  So far I haven't seen any difference in the numbers on the scale, but I have always been quick to show the extra weight, slow to lose it  :(.  

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