Thy Will Be Done

This has been a hard year.

We have hard years before, but it always seems harder when you are going through it, and this feels like the hardest of hards.  I am tired.  I am SO SO SO SO SO tired.  My kids are tired.  We have been to more doctors and therapy appointments in the past ten months than I think I have in my entire collective 42 years.

And I have had five surgeries.

And three kids.

And dance injuries.

And I was sick a loooooooooooooooot as a kid.

I feel wrung out by the end of the day, but inevitably God wakes me up the next morning ready to face it all over again.  That can only be explained by God, because in and of myself I tend to avoid hard things, not run towards them.

As it has almost my whole life, sometimes the only thing that speaks to my heart is music.  I don't know if it's because I spent so many years in a dance studio teaching my body to tell a story through music, or if it's hereditary because my family has a musical background.  Either way, I am grateful.  So very grateful.  These two songs are my battle cry songs right now.  They are the songs I keep returning to over and over and over again.  

I feel alone, but He has promised never to leave me or forsake me.  I feel like I would like to trade lives with characters in books, but He has asked me to be content where I am with what I have.

I feel like no one understands, no one sees, truly sees what is going on.  I feel like NO ONE listens to me.  But God.  He has said He sees, He captures every.single.tear.

I feel like He has a plan for everyone but my family.  That chaos has been unleashed and nothing good will come of these hard years.  BUT GOD!  I am God's handiwork, my husband is God's handiwork, my three children are God's handiwork.  He has created us to do good works. Which He prepared in advance for us to do.  IN ADVANCE.  Before any hard days existed, before any diagnoses were handed and branded, and even before the first drop of medicine had to be dispensed....He was prepared, He did prepare.

He did NOT make a mistake.

PSALM 139 is just as true today as when it was penned two thousand years ago. I preach the truth of that to my girls all.of.the.time.  They probably hear it in their sleep.  They are fearfully and wonderfully made.  God was present when each cell was directed to its position and when each organ was carefully stitched together, it was being knit together by God Himself.  What a wonder.

Today, today it's enough to know that He is here.

It is enough to know that He has a plan.

It is enough to know that He sees and He hears and He loves with an everlasting, never failing love.  A love that is kind.  And patient.

And it is enough to preach these truths to myself over and over and over and over and over again until they are what I cling to instead of my feelings and my ability to understand.

Thy will be done, God, thy will be done.