Hurting, Letting Go, Moving Forward...

Wow.

This year and all that it's contained so far.

It has just been, I am not sure what the word is, but the result is this: it laid me flat, broke my heart more times than I thought was possible, drew deep wells of tears, and elicited many, many desperate prayers.  I have never felt so laid bare by a season before.  

I cannot share all of the details because it isn't just my story to tell.  But there have been many, many sleepless nights.  Nights I woke up and tears had soaked my pillow.  Many, many, many long hard days - full of hurt and uncertainty and balls of anxiety boring away at my insides - days where I genuinely did not know if we'd make it through this time.  And to top that off, I had to say goodbye to my little furry best friend.  This dog was basically an attachment at my hip or in my lap for the past year, and now he's gone and I am so, so sad.

The weird thing though is this: the closer we get to December 31st, the more I want to hang on to this year.  I want to go back and get to say goodbye one more time and have one more snuggle with the little guy.  I want to go back and see if making a different choice here or there would have altered the outcome for my family and all that we have been through.  I desperately want to go back and shield my kids from some of the things that have come their way.  I want to go back and have a do-over.  And then the flip side of the coin is that crazy what-if thinking that puts you on a hamster wheel and works you hard but gets you nowhere.  You know the one - the what if 2021 might be worse, or what if we lose more than the dog, what if God has more hard, more hurt, more loneliness in store?  What if this crazy virus never ends?  What if things don't go back to normal?  Or my favorite - what if the store runs out of toilet paper again (which this morning, it looked like it was actually going to happen...again).  

My friend's husband preached a sermon last week.  I have thought and meditated on what he said all week.  'Life is purifying you, preparing you for heaven'.  It hurts, it is hard, but it is necessary.  And then we went to a doctor appointment this week and their doctor walked them through governing their thoughts.  I think I needed that lesson more than they did.  I realized that I will challenge just about every single thought I have except for the worst-case scenario/what-if thinking.  Those thoughts?  I accept as gospel truth and my feelings and attitude follow suit.  But, if I stop, take those thoughts out, examine them, and walk them through to their conclusions...then I realize the truth of what my friend's husband said.  God has a plan.  He is purifying us, preparing us for heaven.  And if the worst shall happen - what then?  Well then, He is right there beside me.  Because He promises me that I can do all things because of Jesus.  Jesus is everything.  Christ in me, the hope of glory.  Christ on the cross, the hope of salvation.  Christ in me, the strength I need to face what God has laid out.  I am in Christ - so anything that comes at me?  It goes through Him first.  Christ has secured me, built me on a rock, so that when the storms of life come - as awful and scary and crushing as they can be - I cannot be moved because He has secured me.