This morning I found out that one of my cousins has leukemia, stage four.  I am not sure where her heart is in terms of does she believe Jesus unto salvation?  And the finality of that - the reality that life comes to an end - sometimes sooner than we expect it to (she is only 48 or 49 years old).  I wonder - does she feel the brevity of life?  The weight of her decisions and seek for some sort of meaning in the suffering?  Does she know that each breath is a grace and a call?  A grace that God has given her this moment to accept His Son, and His call on her heart to submit, surrender, and believe?  Does she feel the weight of eternity? 

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday - the summers spent in wading pools, Fridays at the beauty shop with my grandmother and a new book of paper dolls, cook-outs at my grandparents, piano lessons with my great grandmother...but then she went one direction and I another and so much more of life was lived as strangers, than as friends.  I am sorry she has suffered, I am sorry her life has been so hard.  

But there is still time.  

Does she realize there is still time?  

That God stands at the end, waiting with open arms.  That He cares and He loves her with an unfailing love.  That He is more than able and willing to carry her this final stretch.  I don't know where she stands - but God does.  And I can carry her in prayer to Him, His hands are more than capable of carrying all of the unknowns and more.

God, please, in Your infinite wisdom and patience, lift the blinders off of her eyes, help her to see You, to know You, to taste and see that You are good.  Comfort her with the truth that Your love is faithful and unending and unfailing.  May she accept Your Son - the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Grant her salvation and eternal life.  In Jesus' name I pray this.  Amen.

Bible in 90 Days week 5

So...I totally messed up this week's reading.  I switch between using my YouVersion app and my print copy Bible and that worked fine and good until we reached Day 30.  On the print copy of Bible in 90 days it tucks two grace days at the end of the challenge, but apparently YouVersion tucks one grace day in on day 30 and one in on day 60 and apparently that is enough to throw me for a loop.  *sigh*

Anyway, my absolute favorite part of this week's reading was Solomon's prayer in 2 Chronicles 6, Israel's response at the very beginning of chapter 7, with God's response taking up the rest of that chapter.  So incredibly beautiful.  

Speaking of that, when you pray do you ever use prayers from the Bible?  Or do you pray Scripture?  Or do you just pray and talk and pour out your heart?

If you are reading your Bible this summer (even if it's not the B90 plan) what did you read this week?  How is it going for you?  

No matter where this past week found you, I wish you the best of weekends and a beautiful week ahead 💖

Loneliness & Thankfulness

First of all, I want to start off by saying how much I absolutely love my husband.  Seriously, I am so incredibly thankful for him.  He is my very best friend, so handsome and faithful and funny.  I love to spend time with him and our girls more than anything else.  He has actually been off from work this past week and it has been SO SO SO SO SO awesome.  

We have just piddled around - took our 17yo dog to the vet yesterday because he cries out in pain if you touch his left mouth area...convinced he had an abscess or another growth/cyst on him...only to find out he likely had deferred pain from his neck area.  I felt totally ridiculous (yet thankful) because I was convinced something really awful was wrong, but it ended up being something very minor and fixable (adjusting the pain meds).  We traveled one day, ate pizza, went shopping, he made stir-fry in our new wok (it was SO SO yummy), we burned an entire instapot of veggies and chicken and had to throw it away the night before 😞...we have watched the new Disney+ movie Luca, watched David Platt Secret Church 1, I caught up on B90 and then got behind again 😒, he finished book three and is now on book four of a captivating audio book...and it has been the BEST week in a long time.  None of our issues went away (chronic medical issues), but doing day to day stuff with him makes all the difference in the world.

I love our girls, they are our everything.  From their sweet, sweet thoughtfulness of plucking me a flower everything they take a dog out to helping me find my headphones at night when I have lost them...again.  They pray for emergency responders anytime they see or hear them, their hearts are so tender towards people who are suffering.  I love to talk about what we are reading in B90 - last night when I read out loud of Solomon's prayer in 2 Chronicles 6, they could barely contain themselves - they were SO excited and clapping and woohooing, especially when it reached the point where he finishes (beginning of chapter 7) and the people knelt, with their faces to the ground, and worshipped.  Truly, truly a beautiful moment in the history of God's people and they just were beside themselves with it.

Yet, in all of our abundant blessings of family...the one area we feel acutely is in the lack of true, deep, godly friendships.  Some of it is our fault, our life is so different from someone else's, our ability to go and do is greatly diminished and actually is hard to plan on.  We can be going along just fine and then bam the bottom falls out and everything falls apart.  But I yearn for someone (s) to come alongside of us, that understands and loves us in spite of our limitations - that will just do life with us.  I think that is why I love books like Anne of Green Gables (Anne and Diana's friendship is the cry of every woman's heart I believe), or the Harry Potter series, or Mysterious Benedict Society...I want my girls to have that friendship experience in their lives, I want my husband and I to have that support system.  But it is so hard to build that.  We have lived here, in this place for fifteen years and truly it has a different friendship dynamic than any other place I have lived before.  So, I am SO thankful for my husband and girls, yet lonely for friends.  Does anyone else experience this?

Bible in 90 Days week 4 check-in

 This past week was a bit of challenge for me.  Between managing special needs, dog care, working outside trying to chop up tree limbs we cut down earlier in the week, and reading a biography about Andrew Brunson, I got behind in my reading 😞.  So tonight I am officially three days behind in B90.  Tomorrow, I plan to spend time catching up.  

  I absolutely love Samuel.  He was an amazing man of God.  I love how he led Israel.  I get so frustrated with Saul, would love to have a Jonathan friendship (would love for my husband to have that as well as each of our girls), and am always challenged by David's depth of love for God.  He messed up - his life was a mess actually - he was not a great dad, had multiple wives, committed adultery and then murdered the husband of Bathsheba... - but his heart for God was unmistakably tender and surrendered - totally willing to humble himself at every turn.

 This time reading through Absalom's treachery (2 Samuel 15) I was struck by Ittai's devotion, his words, I want them to be the cry of my heart for Jesus - "wherever my lord the king may be, whether for death or life, there also your servant will be.".  Wherever Jesus, my Lord and King leads me, calls me - whether to death or life - there I, Your servant, will follow.

  I also wonder at David's patience while having stones, dirt, and curses hurled at him from Shimei (2 Samuel 16)- but instead of shouting back, allowing Abishai to avenge him, or defending himself, David totally laid his life and his times in the hands of God, trusting Him to do what He pleased, no matter how "unfair" it looked or felt.  

  I am off to read some more before bed, I have read these pages before, but each and every time, I am utterly captivated by the faithfulness of God and confounded by the treachery of man in the face of His goodness.  How can we be so awful and turn our backs on Him over and over and over again?

Andrew Brunson

Do you remember reading the news articles a few years back, about an American pastor who was held in a Turkish prison for almost two years?  Pastor Andrew Brunson was all over the news and my family and I joined families, churches, and individuals praying all over the world.  We watched news articles closely to see what and how God would move. I still remember the day we read he was released, he was out of Turkey airspace...then seeing the pictures as they landed, and then a bit later seeing pictures as he prayed for President Trump.

A few weeks ago, I was cleaning up my Amazon cart (I am constantly putting books in there until I get a chance to write down the title) and I noticed off to the side a recommendation called God's Hostage by Andrew Brunson and Craig Borlase.  I checked with my husband as I already have committed to my Bible in 90 days and have a stack waiting on me to read once I am done with that challenge, but I really, REALLY wanted to read this book.  

He said yes!  

I read it in two days.

It was PHENOMENAL.  I am now behind in my Bible reading challenge, but I cannot even begin to tell you what a gift this book is.  First of all, what I loved most about it was the honesty and vulnerability that he expressed.  My girls and I love to read missionary biographies (& autobiographies).  But sometimes, it seems like these people are super Christians and I am left wondering what is wrong with me that my confidence doesn't mirror theirs?  I mean, if I was imprisoned for my faith, would I have a Corrie Ten Boom experience or more along the lines of the Father Cristo from Silence by Shusaku Endo?  

As someone who has intimate knowledge, experience with, and gives care to those that day in and day out struggle with severe mental health issues, I was sooooooo, soooooooo thankful that Pastor Brunson included his experience and subsequent wrestling with God through anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideations.  There aren't many Christians (at least I have not found them) with books or materials out there regarding mental health in light of Scripture.  This is one area in which I think the American church spectacularly fails those that struggle.  I don't have the answers as to how to fix it, but I am praying about it.  We need Godly men and women to raise up and walk along side those that struggle, to teach how to struggle in a way that glorifies God and also how to walk out Biblical truths when you have chronic mental health struggles.

SO, at some point this summer, please, please buy this book and read it.  It is THE best book I have read in 2021.  I highly recommend it.  

Bible in 90 Days week three

This week had us wrapping up Deuteronomy and journeying alongside the Israelites as they finally entered the promised land.  We watch as Joshua takes over the reigns, portions the land, and rebukes the Israelites, reminding them to choose whom they will serve.  We hear God tell them to 'remember' and not forget over and over and over...and yet Judges 1:10 - we read that another generation arose that neither knows the LORD nor what He had done for Israel.  And as a result, the cycle of sin, judgement, and rescue begins.  

We read about Othniel, Ehud, and Deborah.  

Then there was Gideon and how God used the weakest and least - how even when God uses you and you do mighty things, you still are susceptible to temptation and the suffocating snare it brings.  

Then there is Samson and Delilah and also Micah's idolatry.  

I find the hardest part of Judges is reading about the Levite and his concubine and the resulting punishment of the tribe of Benjamin.  Cannot imagine the suffering this poor woman went through that night.  How can such evil exist?

The book of Judges draws to a close much the way it began - the people of Israel doing as they saw fit, in direct disobedience to Deuteronomy 12:8.  

Next up was Ruth - LOVE LOVE LOVE the story of Ruth (it's my youngest's favorite book of the Bible, so we have read and reread this story so many times I feel like I know Ruth and Naomi and Boaz personally). 

To close out week three we met Hannah and Samuel, and will spend time getting to know Samuel.

I wonder about a lot of things as I read this section of Scripture, but this time through, it really struck me how important it is to constantly remember.  Remind yourself of God's faithfulness, His Word, His way.  To not let you be the reason that a generation rises up who does not know God.  I also realized the importance of clinging to God, of abiding in His presence.  And I am SO SO SO thankful for the gift of His Son.  

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.  My husband and I got married 21 years ago.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love my husband.  I also cannot believe 21 years have passed with three girls in their mid to late teens, when in some ways it still feels just like yesterday we were standing at the front of that church, exchanging promises that we were too young to truly grasp and understand. 

But by the grace of God, He knit our hearts together.  

Richard, I am looking forward to the next 21 years and beyond.  A lifetime does not feel long enough to spend with you.  Thank you for the laughter and the faithfulness.  Thank you for being the calm to our chaos, and for loving me and the girls so well.  I love you so much!  Happy Anniversary!

Bible in 90 Week Two

First of all, I got behind in my reading this week.  

Besides being really tired and overwhelmed with bad days...I simply did not stick to the plan.  

I am at the end of Numbers and CANNOT wait to start one of my very favorite books of the Bible - Deuteronomy.  I hope to catch up by tomorrow.

I always have such a hard time Balaam and Balak, because when I read the story in Numbers 22-25, I do not pick up on what is revealed later in Numbers 31:15-16, Deuteronomy 23:3-6, 2 Peter 2:15, Jude 1:11, and Revelations 2:14.  I also don't understand why God gets angry at Balaam initially, is it because Balaam keeps asking God even though he knew God didn't want him to go?  This is one I want to go back and study later, after the challenge.

From the end of Leviticus all the way through Numbers, these are areas I noted in my margins:

Leviticus 17 - God says that He has given the blood to make atonement.  The life of every creature is in its blood.  Sin always requires sacrifice to cover it - always the shedding of blood.  

Leviticus 19 - "Be holy, because I, the LORD your God am holy."  My personal pursuit of holiness is more important and requires more effort than I am currently giving it.  

Leviticus 23:22 - I immediately thought of Ruth and Boaz.

Leviticus 25 - The warning not to take advantage of others - but instead to fear God. 

Leviticus 26 - 'If you'... but also the 'if you will not'...and then the 'but if they will confess their sins'...

Leviticus 27 - the reminder of how important, fundamental, and non-negotiable tithing was, is, and will be

Numbers 6 - the priestly blessing (aka aaronic blessing) - I absolutely this blessing!  Here is Rico Cortes singing it (my favorite version)

Numbers 7 - there are four types of offerings - grain, burnt, sin, and fellowship.  Definitely want to go back and study these. 

Numbers 8 - the wave offering purpose - so that they may be ready to do the work of the LORD.  LOVE this reminder - to be ready to be about His work.

Numbers 9 - at the LORD's command the Israelites set out, and at His command they encamped.

Numbers 10 -  When they ark set out, Moses said:

"Rise up, LORD! May Your enemies be scattered; may Your foes flee before You."

When it came time to rest, he said:

"Return, LORD, to the countless thousands of Israel."

Numbers 11 - "Is the LORD's arm too short?" love this reminder

Numbers 14 - "The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion.  Yet, He does not leave the guilty unpunished...In accordance with Your great love, forgive the sun of these people..."

Numbers 16 - these men sinned at the cost of their lives.  The graveness of this reminder!

Numbers 17 - Aaron's staff not only sprouted, but budded, blossomed, and produced almonds and this was to be kept as a sign of the rebellious.

Numbers 18 - you must present as the LORD's portion the best and holiest part - do I offer my best to God?

Numbers 20 - "Because you did not trust in Me enough to honor Me as holy in the sight of the Israelites..." do I do this?  Not trust in God enough to honor Him as holy in the sight of others.

Numbers 21 - But the people grew impatient on the way, and spoke against God - how often do I grow impatient and speak against, murmur, complain, cast doubt?

I already spoke about Balaam and Balak and my desire to go back later.

Numbers ties up with review of the feasts, offerings, and festivals.  My great grandmother was a Messianic Jew - she was raised Orthodox - but accepted Jesus as her savior.  I am so fascinated with my Jewish heritage.  One of her cousins (I think it was cousin), said he traced our lineage back to the Kohathite clan, so it is always SO fascinating to see what was assigned to each tribe of the Levites - they were assigned their work and and told what to carry (Numbers 4).  I want to spend some significant time studying the feasts, festivals, and offerings and how they tie into Jesus.  

Numbers 35 - towns for the Levites - and cities of Refuge.  I absolutely love that God set cities of refuge.  The fact that His compassion extends and covers so completely.

Happy reading this week 💖💝💖

What's been going on for us...

I cannot believe we are half-way through 2021 already.  I also can't believe two of my girls are in their late teens now, one having celebrated a birthday in April, one in May.  It seems surreal.  This year, while far better than last, is weird and difficult in its own right.  

It seems like we went from nothing to all - in terms of the pandemic.  It was no gathering, no social activities, no church (grocery shopping, picking up food...etc;) without social distancing and masks (in fact until a few weeks ago they were still counting people who came into Walmart).  And then bam - it snapped back to normal - hugs, people, social groups, and no masks/ no distancing...is anyone else having a hard time just snapping back to "normal"?  I still wear my mask at places like the grocery store, doctor appointments, the pharmacy, and church.  I know other people think that is weird and unneeded (mainly because they comment 'that it is weird and unneeded'), but for the first time in a long time we have gone almost a year without our girls getting sick.  

That is something to celebrate.  Especially since getting sick for them means weeks of trying to get back to status quo - while they may handle the cold or tummy bug well and recover quickly, all of their chronic and underlying conditions do not.  😢

I attribute us having a healthy fall/winter 2020 and spring/early summer 2021 to two things 1) we probably wash our hands way more than we used to, but 2) mask wearing (for us - not those around us).  So, I am not ready to give up my mask quite yet.  I 'm fine with others not wearing a mask, in fact even during the heart of the pandemic mask wearing was very lax here.  I'm ok with that.  I just wish everyone would extend patience and understanding to us.  What works for me, may not and probably will not work for you.  But that doesn't mean I am right and you are wrong.  It just means there is room for grace to cover differences.  So yes, my mask may be the equivalent of a security blanket, but when we are ready, we will hang up ours.

I have been reading Bible in 90 days to myself and the smaller portions aloud to the girls.  That coupled with the gentler school schedule, until August comes, I'm not going to have time to read anything else.  I am ok with that, I just wish I had not set such an ambitious reading goal in January.  Actually, I wish I'd preplanned to spend the summer immersed in God's Word, that it would have been a priority when setting goals.  

Tanner is still paralyzed.  We have two types of slings, one is just the generic sling that goes under their tummy and allows them to walk on their front legs, with you helping support their back.  The other you put each back leg into a loop and then hoist his paws off the ground so that he does not drag them.  His care is all consuming and I am exhausted (the girls are exhausted and Richard is exhausted...it is a group effort).  We haven't had a great week here in our house, and it was capped off with a not so great set of doctor appointments yesterday.  Since we had to drive so far, we boarded Tanner at our vet.  They took a look at him while he was hanging out with them (they are SUCH a great vet place, we love them so much), and while he is happy., there is not a lot of hope in terms of prognosis.  We are going to give it through the summer to see how he does and probably then have to make some hard decisions.  I hate this aspect of owning pets.  Seriously hate the letting go.