I have written here quite a bit about my tug of war with wanting to trust God and my propensity to worry, stew, and anxiously pick apart each day.
This morning I decided to start in Psalm 1 and slowly work, write, and art journal my way through the Psalms. I have no set schedule, no deadline, no daily quota of scripture to meet. My only desire? To dive deep.
I love Psalm 1. It is one of the first scriptures my kids learned, and it is one that convicts me. Every.single.time. I read it. This morning was no different. To begin with I copied down the verses that I was focusing on, and then using the Blue Letter Bible, (have you heard of this site? It is awesome!!!) I dove into each word and read through several translations, before looking up definitions of words that caught my attention and then browsing through the commentary.
Anyway I found myself listening to an Elisabeth Elliot commentary this morning and she mentioned a book my kids and I just read, "Pilgrim's Progress". She referenced when Christian finally found himself at the Cross and how his burden literally just rolled off of his back. I hear that phrase a lot, 'leave you burden at the Cross', or 'focus on the Cross and your burdens will lift'. I am not sure if it is just me, but when someone says that I get really frustrated. It doesn't seem to be my reality. I know God is good, even when things seem like they are crazy unfair - that He is a God of justice. And that He has a plan, a plan to give us hope and a future. He promises it over and over and over in His Word. But, at the same time, I am not peaceful, I am anxious. So in utter frustration I googled 'how do you bring your burdens to the cross' - and guess what? God met me right there and finally something clicked that hadn't before. The first thing that popped up was Psalm 55:22, "Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken" - then I read the Matthew Henry commentary at the bottom. "Whatever it is that thou desirest God should give thee, leave it to Him to give it in His own way & time. Care is a burden, it makes the heart stoop. We must commit our ways & works to the Lord. Let Him do as seemeth Him good & let us be satisfied. (emphasis mine)
That is the key. Let God do as what seems good to Him and let me be satisfied with it. I ask Him to do the first, but I never rest in and am satisfied with His answers, especially when it is hard and heavy and involves my kids' health struggles. But, I will pray that God gives me the contentment, the satisfaction in His every decision. Then the peace will come.