Numbers 15:44 NIV
Nevertheless, in their presumption they went up toward the high hill country, though neither Moses nor the ark of the LORD's covenant moved from the camp. Then the Amalekites and Canaanites who lived in that hill country came down and attacked them and beat them all the way to Hormah. (emphasis mine)
How much heartache I have suffered at the foolish hands of my own presumption. So many times I have been consumed with anger, hurt, and a sense of betrayal, often times completely directed at God, only to realize much to my embarrassment and discomfort it was my own fault. After the tidal wave of emotions calms down and I return to a more rational state of mind, I typically eat LOADS of humble pie because I come face to face with my own folly in basing my actions off of what I thought could, would, or should happen in a given situation. Health, finances, safety, friendships, family relationships, having a dance career, having another baby etc; the list goes on and on and on.
Why do I continually do it?
Well as I read through the book of Numbers, especially in chapter 15, my story often uncomfortably parallels theirs. They doubted God's ability and willingness to meet their needs (or sometimes even just their wants). Instead they complained, whined, and spoke fear filled thoughts aloud, struck out on their own, tried things their ways, ignored the warnings, or presumed that they knew the best way and what that should look like when God did provide. Whether it was food, water, safety, protection - they had an opinion on how and when it should be handled and provided.
Have you ever heard of the old saying "the thing you most complain about in others is often times the very thing that you do the most?" How many times have we griped and complained about our children's whining? Or yelled at them to stop yelling? Or complained about our spouses' lack of respect while chatting over coffee with a friend? Or complain about a breach in relationship while continuing to wreak havoc with our unwillingness to forgive or let go of the past? While reading a story and seeing the ending of it from the beginning it is easy to say "oh my they SO should have just trusted God" . Yet, I will close my Bible, mark off that day's reading square and proceed (before the ink is even dry on the check off sheet) to spend the next fifteen minutes worrying over a bill that needs to be paid, a relationship that needs to be repaired, or a house project that needs to be completed etc;.
God is God.
And while I should never, ever presume to know exactly how He is going to do something or the timing when it will all fall together, I should never, EVER doubt His goodness, ability and willingness to shower me and everyone else with every thing that we need exactly when we need it. Now to walk this out...
(Just a side note, all of my journal entries are written with my own weaknesses and struggles in mind. As much as I try to walk with integrity and faithfulness, I spend more time tripping and falling than I do in actually walking. I debated on whether to journal my way through the Bible, because there is SO very much I do not understand...I am not even sure if we are Christians, Messianic Jews, or how to label what we believe and why we believe it. But then I realized that as of right now my children have no real tangible record of my walking this out, struggling to piece it together, shaping why we parent the way that we do etc; Some day I would like this journal to be their gift. My words on the why of who I am. So that they can take the good things and build off of those and discard the bad and uglies. They will make mistakes, yes because they are human, but what a gift it would be if they could make their own mistakes and learn from mine.)