Wednesday, October 27, 2021
An Eleven Year Prayer...
Wednesday, October 20, 2021
What I am learning in week one
1) Because I have used food (+ hot chocolates 😋) as my go-to comfort for the past year (plus), this cycle is going to be a lot harder to break than just deciding to do it.
2) I worry a LOT about what other people are thinking about my size, what I am or am not eating, what I am or am not doing for exercise etc; I think yes, in my natural self, I would always have been conscious of this, however, growing up and training to be a professional ballerina took this mindset to a whole new level. It was always ALWAYS about how the artistic director (&/or casting director) viewed your body as to whether he/she would cast you, how your partner viewed your body, how your teacher(s) viewed your body....Still fourteen years after I last performed and took a class somewhere, that mindset is still stuck firm.
3) In truth journaling I have discovered a pattern of lies I tell myself. Daily.
a) I want __________, so I should have or I will go get or I need to have it. The truth: Just because I want it, does NOT mean I should/can/need to have it. Especially not if the thought pops in my mind and it isn't planned for. I like how Sara and Becky encourage you to plan your treats (The Holy Mess and So Very Blessed). What I need is to develop self-control and self-discipline.
b) I will start tomorrow. The truth: I have never (NOT ONCE) started "tomorrow". We aren't even guaranteed tomorrow. All we have is today. Right now.
c) What does it matter now? I have already gained _____, what will one cookie, or a hot chocolate, or....matter? The truth: My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and it was bought at a price. It matters very much what I put into it.
4) Have you ever asked yourself -'how much ____________ would be enough to satisfy you? Fill you up? Complete you?' You can fill in the blank anything that you struggle with in terms of self-control or self-discipline. Have you seen those really cute Instagram posts of animals doing a tiktok video to the background of a human saying "It will never be enough. Never enough. Like never, ever enough."? Those videos are SO cute. And also SO true. There will never be enough ___________ to satisfy me, because _________ was never meant to satisfy me (whether it's chocolate or trinkets or approval). Paul tells me exactly how to break that cycle of thinking in Philippians 4:11-13.
Monday, October 18, 2021
Bullet Journal +
If you are not a list person and do not like to journal - this all may sound like just a gigantic waste of time. But I have tried digital and I have tried not journaling anything and I have tried simply using a post it note and minimal writing...the results have not been good. I miss appointments, I forget to renew meds, I forget to read the book I need to read....the very act of writing it down and/or doodling motivates me to actually get the things done.
Friday, October 15, 2021
Emotional Overeating
I spent 2020 eating my feelings.
Literally.
Tuesday, October 12, 2021
Reading, Watching, Listening, and Praying...
Thursday, October 7, 2021
Tidbits
Monday, October 4, 2021
Letting Go
You have no idea when you get first set eyes on that fluffy, furry, wriggling mass of puff that this is going to be one of the best friends you will ever have.
But they end up being a better friend than most humans.
No one tells you that you will love this little guy so much that when he hurts, you hurt. No one explains the chances of disease, seizures, neurological struggles, old age, the loss of function and requirement of care and attention they might need.
No one tells you when you first look in their eyes that you will most likely outlive them, and that you will be responsible for their end of life care. No one tells you that someday you might have to make a really, really difficult decision to let them go and end their suffering.
No one does.
But they should.
I have always loved dogs. From my earliest memories - dogs were all that and a bag of chips to me. I wanted to have a dog by my side in every stage of my life. We had dogs my whole life (growing up) and then my husband and I have owned dogs pretty much our entire married life and in the raising of our girls. But just in the past year have I experienced the awfulness of euthanasia, the heart rending discussions that lead up to the trauma of that final goodbye. We had to put down Arendale last October and now, this week, we are going to have to say goodbye to Tanner, our 17 year old dog.
I cannot even begin to describe the surprising level of grief I've experienced over the past year for Arendale. He was a constant companion to me, and that loss was something I was not prepared for. Tanner is a different kind of loss, in that he is 17 years old (not 4 like Arendale was), he has lived a long life, so I should on some level be prepared to say goodbye. But I am not. He has been the kind of dog that is so laid back and has just kept going no matter what came our way, that I guess I sort of started believing he would just always be here. On some level, I don't remember a time when he wasn't a part of our family, yet the day we got him fifteen years ago is so crystal clear, it is as if it happened last week. I took my then 4 year old, 2 year old, and 6 week old to our local pound. We prayed right before we went in and then my 4 year old spotted him. He sat quietly, sadly in between a mass of barking and wriggling dogs, older than the puppy we went for (they had already sold her), but in that moment, we knew, he was waiting for us.
Tanner has been so faithful, so gentle, so laid back. He was more than likely two and a half years old when we got him (they were not exactly sure of his age), so that makes him at least 17 years old. But he is so tired and has some sort of neurological complication, not just from his fall in May, but something that has progressed to the point that this past week he re-lost all the movement in his back end that he had re-gained, he has lost the ability to sit up, and he can no longer control his bowels and bladder. He is so very tired. I had prayed and hoped he would just pass on his own, because after Arendale, I did not EVER want to make this decision again.
But it is time. He is ready. I am not ready to say goodbye, but he is ready. Please pray for us, and especially for my youngest daughter. This dog and her have been two peas in a pod - this loss is going to be hard on all of us, but especially so on her.