Struggling

The end of one year and beginning of another are easily my favorite seasons.  As a year winds down, we have all of these celebrations - thankfulness to God and His faithfulness, the celebration of the birth of His Son, the bidding goodbye of one calendar year and beckoning forward (usually for me with starry eyed hope) of a new year.  Those weeks from about late November to early January, those weeks of journaling and praying and dreaming...I LOVE every moment.  

Some years (like last year) are the kind of years that I am eager to file away as "done, survived, close the file door before another day somehow sneaks out" kind of years.  But some years, some years I don't want to let go of because it held such moments of joy and breath taking beauty.  But ready or not, time passes, right?

This year dawned and a bit of me truly breathed a sigh of relief.  We survived some pretty unimaginable stuff in 2020, personally as a family of five.  I looked forward in eager anticipation to a brighter, more "normal" year.  I set some goals, made a plan, and confidently stepped forward.  Then, as so often does, the starry, doe-eyed, rose colored glasses fell off, and I realized that you only have so many hours in a day.  And that parenting special needs kids into adulthood is hard.  And making friends at my age is hard.  And losing weight is hard.  And finding time to teach, go to gazillions of doctor/therapy appointments, tidy your house, read the book stack you have pulled out for yourself, study your Bible, invest in friends and family and pets and children and an amazing husband all while trying not to lose your way or sight of your goals...it is just plain hard.  

But, I want to remember the mundane, the ordinary, so even if I am struggling to keep or meet or make progress in my goal areas...I still want to remember.  

So I write about it.

Discipline - this encompasses my walk with God.  Prayer, Study, Meditate/Memorize, Worship, Fellowship

Prayer:  My oldest daughter recently celebrated a birthday and when she was about five or six years old, she started a tradition of buying me a journal every year.  It has added up to quite a unique collection of journals - such great memories.  This year she brought be a beautiful rose colored one with a fancy jewel clip.  This journal I am using to write letters to God.  A few years ago (probably more?) my mom encouraged me to start writing letters to God as a way to pray - and last year I finally took her advice and I am so glad that I did.  I've tried lots of methods and ideas, but my favorite way to prayer journal is to simply sit down and write a letter to God and pour out my heart to Him.  

Study:  I started verse mapping this year which I absolutely LOVE, I have done a few Bible studies (one at a church and one at home online) and I am reading line by line through the book of Romans.  I grabbed a composition book and on the right side I write the verse in my own words, being careful to record the facts and not any of my opinion (adapted from Anne Graham Lotz study method).  I then make a note in the margin and tell whether this teaches me about God, Jesus, the Gospel...(got this idea from Kari at Stone Soup for Five's Gospel Notebook).  On the left side *the back of the preceding page* I define any words using the Lexicon or Strong's Concordance and any notes I feel shed more light on the meaning and how I am to apply it to my life.

Meditate/Memorize:  I have not done much with these two beyond Scripture writing (I memorize and think better through writing or drawing/doodling than simply reading it or speaking it or hearing it).

Worship:  I forget to draw my loved ones close and indulge in hymns and praise songs, I forget to read through the Psalms and simply bask in the truth of God's majesty.  I want this to become a daily discipline. 

Fellowship:  This one is hard for me.  Still trying to find the balance of how unpredictable/unreliable our days are/can be and plugging in to a faith community.  It is also (like I said above) really hard to make friends as an adult with older teenagers.  Really, really hard. 

Tidy - this is a challenge area for me.  I am, by nature, a messy person.  I like to clean and I appreciate the results of an afternoon spent cleaning...but the day to day maintenance and organization are where I spectacularly fail.  I am almost always looking for something because I will just set it down willy-nilly on my way to do something else.  I got Clean Mama's Guide to a Peaceful Home a month ago and it is next on my reading list.  I have not made any progress in this area so far in 2021. Not even a small bit of progress.

Fit - oh boy.  I am really struggling here.  I spent the majority of my life in very good shape, I danced (even after my career as a ballet dancer ended... I still danced.)  I love ballet.  But as my girls grew, and as more of their challenges and differences emerged, their needs became almost all-encompassing and food (&hot chocolates) became a coping mechanism (which is a nicer way to say that I basically spent last year eating my feelings).  This year we have started biking more, I am trying to get a running schedule started, and I am losing the extra weight I put on last year (painfully slow progress here).  But just this week I was reminded that this is very much a heart issue - a contentment with portion (both physical portion sizes and with God as my portion) and consistency with habits.  So, all of the diet and exercise plans in the world are only going to do so much, I need to do the deeper work of learning contentment.

Read - the reading is happening in slower, smaller chunks than I would like for it too, but like I said, there are only so many hours in the day.  Just this morning I was reminded to carry the book(s) with me, so that as I am folding laundry, or waiting in line, or stirring pasta in the water...I can sneak in a few pages.

So with the first 110 days of 2021 behind us, here is looking forward to the next 254 and what will unfold.