This hasn't been the greatest of weeks...

I forgot an appointment, one that I had actually written down in my planner, talked about earlier that morning and made plans for.  Then, after lunch, I had a few minutes and decided to run to the pharmacy.  Only to arrive and one of the medicines was not ready that should have been because the doctor didn't respond to the pharmacy's refill request - so I got side tracked trying to get that squared away and came home and made a cup of coffee and sank down in my desk chair for some quiet before we began our afternoon session...only to realize I.FORGOT.THE.APPOINTMENT. I can count on my hand how many times I forget appointments - it literally has happened maybe two or three times the entire time I have been a mom (19 years!).  The person I was supposed to meet with was so gracious - and rescheduled with me - but still - she set aside that time to meet with me and I didn't follow through.  Ugh.  I hate that feeling.

I have managed to hurt several people's feelings this week.  Words are tricky things.  You can have the best of intentions and still manage to hurt someone else without meaning to.  And sometimes, until the person(s) speak to you about it, you cannot even apologize or seek to clarify.   I hate that feeling - that limbo of not knowing, of wondering if what you said was the right thing to say or the right time to say it?  And I hate even worse when they do convey the hurt, that yucky feeling that you were the cause of someone else's pain.

I have been grumpy and super tired this week.  And very weepy.  I have cried at the drop of a hat.  I hate feeling this way.  The last few months - literally since January 11th, we have had on average two appointments a week (some weeks four or five).  I am SO tired of doctor office waiting rooms, or sitting in my car waiting, or this one stretch of highway here that I feel like I have seen waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too often recently.  We have driven so much our car is ready for another oil change.  *sigh* This week was one of the first weeks that we had very little going on.  And I think the stress from the last few months sort of settled over me and grumpiness and tears have been the result.  I am ready for the summer.  A break from routine.

I think I have blogged almost every day this week...which is unusual for me.  I have just been in the mood to write and decided to write here.  The sun is shining in through my living room window right now, we are getting ready to start read alouds (my favorite part of the day), I have a mug of cinnamon flavored coffee streaming right next to my laptop and I am REALLY really REALLY excited about Secret Church tonight!!  So even though this has not been a stellar week for me - there is plenty to be thankful for - plenty to lift my spirits this afternoon.

Oh and in case you are interested, The Holy Mess is offering her free three day diet starting on Monday (the 26th).  I love this woman's story and her blog.  If you haven't, please take the time to go check it out.

And finally, I did finish a few books this week:

Narrow Gate, Narrow Way by Paul Washer

The Day Approaching (can't remember if I wrote that down in the last blog post or not?) by Amir Tsarfati

Raya the the Last Dragon Junior  Novel (prereading for my kids) by Disney Books.  We try to always read the book before we see the movie - and then compare and contrast.  I am always surprised, even when a book is written just for the movie, how very different they are.

Have a lovely weekend...

Secret Church '21

In case you don't know about this, I want to hop on really quick and remind everyone that David Platt is preaching Secret Church '21 tomorrow night!!!!!!!!!!!  It is THE most incredible experience.  The concept is based off what happens when an acutal secret, underground church meets in a country where Christianity is severely persecuted (and often severely lacking followers of Christ).  The Christians in these countries will travel at great personal risk, cost, inconvenience to hear a sermon - often times since it costs so much time, effort, etc; they will meet for six hours or more to impart the truth of the Word of God.

Here is a link to the Secret Church main website at Radical.  Even if you cannot join tomorrow night, you can watch past events. 💖💖

Struggling

The end of one year and beginning of another are easily my favorite seasons.  As a year winds down, we have all of these celebrations - thankfulness to God and His faithfulness, the celebration of the birth of His Son, the bidding goodbye of one calendar year and beckoning forward (usually for me with starry eyed hope) of a new year.  Those weeks from about late November to early January, those weeks of journaling and praying and dreaming...I LOVE every moment.  

Some years (like last year) are the kind of years that I am eager to file away as "done, survived, close the file door before another day somehow sneaks out" kind of years.  But some years, some years I don't want to let go of because it held such moments of joy and breath taking beauty.  But ready or not, time passes, right?

This year dawned and a bit of me truly breathed a sigh of relief.  We survived some pretty unimaginable stuff in 2020, personally as a family of five.  I looked forward in eager anticipation to a brighter, more "normal" year.  I set some goals, made a plan, and confidently stepped forward.  Then, as so often does, the starry, doe-eyed, rose colored glasses fell off, and I realized that you only have so many hours in a day.  And that parenting special needs kids into adulthood is hard.  And making friends at my age is hard.  And losing weight is hard.  And finding time to teach, go to gazillions of doctor/therapy appointments, tidy your house, read the book stack you have pulled out for yourself, study your Bible, invest in friends and family and pets and children and an amazing husband all while trying not to lose your way or sight of your goals...it is just plain hard.  

But, I want to remember the mundane, the ordinary, so even if I am struggling to keep or meet or make progress in my goal areas...I still want to remember.  

So I write about it.

Discipline - this encompasses my walk with God.  Prayer, Study, Meditate/Memorize, Worship, Fellowship

Prayer:  My oldest daughter recently celebrated a birthday and when she was about five or six years old, she started a tradition of buying me a journal every year.  It has added up to quite a unique collection of journals - such great memories.  This year she brought be a beautiful rose colored one with a fancy jewel clip.  This journal I am using to write letters to God.  A few years ago (probably more?) my mom encouraged me to start writing letters to God as a way to pray - and last year I finally took her advice and I am so glad that I did.  I've tried lots of methods and ideas, but my favorite way to prayer journal is to simply sit down and write a letter to God and pour out my heart to Him.  

Study:  I started verse mapping this year which I absolutely LOVE, I have done a few Bible studies (one at a church and one at home online) and I am reading line by line through the book of Romans.  I grabbed a composition book and on the right side I write the verse in my own words, being careful to record the facts and not any of my opinion (adapted from Anne Graham Lotz study method).  I then make a note in the margin and tell whether this teaches me about God, Jesus, the Gospel...(got this idea from Kari at Stone Soup for Five's Gospel Notebook).  On the left side *the back of the preceding page* I define any words using the Lexicon or Strong's Concordance and any notes I feel shed more light on the meaning and how I am to apply it to my life.

Meditate/Memorize:  I have not done much with these two beyond Scripture writing (I memorize and think better through writing or drawing/doodling than simply reading it or speaking it or hearing it).

Worship:  I forget to draw my loved ones close and indulge in hymns and praise songs, I forget to read through the Psalms and simply bask in the truth of God's majesty.  I want this to become a daily discipline. 

Fellowship:  This one is hard for me.  Still trying to find the balance of how unpredictable/unreliable our days are/can be and plugging in to a faith community.  It is also (like I said above) really hard to make friends as an adult with older teenagers.  Really, really hard. 

Tidy - this is a challenge area for me.  I am, by nature, a messy person.  I like to clean and I appreciate the results of an afternoon spent cleaning...but the day to day maintenance and organization are where I spectacularly fail.  I am almost always looking for something because I will just set it down willy-nilly on my way to do something else.  I got Clean Mama's Guide to a Peaceful Home a month ago and it is next on my reading list.  I have not made any progress in this area so far in 2021. Not even a small bit of progress.

Fit - oh boy.  I am really struggling here.  I spent the majority of my life in very good shape, I danced (even after my career as a ballet dancer ended... I still danced.)  I love ballet.  But as my girls grew, and as more of their challenges and differences emerged, their needs became almost all-encompassing and food (&hot chocolates) became a coping mechanism (which is a nicer way to say that I basically spent last year eating my feelings).  This year we have started biking more, I am trying to get a running schedule started, and I am losing the extra weight I put on last year (painfully slow progress here).  But just this week I was reminded that this is very much a heart issue - a contentment with portion (both physical portion sizes and with God as my portion) and consistency with habits.  So, all of the diet and exercise plans in the world are only going to do so much, I need to do the deeper work of learning contentment.

Read - the reading is happening in slower, smaller chunks than I would like for it too, but like I said, there are only so many hours in the day.  Just this morning I was reminded to carry the book(s) with me, so that as I am folding laundry, or waiting in line, or stirring pasta in the water...I can sneak in a few pages.

So with the first 110 days of 2021 behind us, here is looking forward to the next 254 and what will unfold.  

Good Works

Back in December, I posted about a sermon I'd heard, which stirred up more questions than it answered.  I reached out to the person preaching, and they then preached a follow-up sermon (I don't think I was the only one who asked questions), which helped some, but still left me scratching my head.  I have not had the chance to talk to this person about the questions their teaching raised, but it does yield an excellent opportunity for me to dig in to the Word myself and ask the Holy Spirit to help me understand what God is trying to show me here.

One of the main verses he centered his sermon on was Ephesians 2:8-10.  Ephesians 2:10 has been sort of this anchor that God gave me to hang on to a few years ago when the worry and anxiety of what my girls' futures would look like...when I read that verse, it was a moment I will not forget.  I pulled out my last Classic Pooh (I love Winnie the Pooh) oversized postcard and I wrote that verse out with each of their names in the place of 'we'.  Many, many days I pull that out and preach it to myself.  I know God has good plans for me, for my husband, for our girls, for my mom and friends and sisters and family...but one of the hard parts for me in reading, studying, and doing of the Word is where is the dividing line between what I am responsible to do vs. resting and letting God. 

When I first began digging in to this concept one of the first things I needed to be sure I had squared away in my own heart was this: 

Justification vs Sanctification:

1) Justification (declaring we are righteous, our sin is paid for)  is from God and God alone through His Son Jesus Christ.  (The Gospel in its entirety, Romans 5:1 - 21, Ephesians 2:8-9, Titus 3:7, Galatians 3:24, Galatians 2:16, Galatians 3:11...and on and on - it is a thread woven throughout the entire Bible, if you want specific verses to study start here:  OpenBible (what does the Bible say about Justification)

2) Sanctification is the transforming work done - it starts with God, is done through the Holy Spirit and transforms our entire mind, body, heart, spirit...it is the growing in righteousness that happens with justification.  The way I understand it is this, in the moment of justification, it is somewhat like this : your child is born, you name it, it is yours -  you have called it by name, but in sanctification - the child grows into that name - becoming all that they were created to be.  At the moment of justification, God names us righteous.  Then we need to grow up into the righteousness, (sanctification).   

This point of growing up into what God accomplished for me, this is where I struggle to understand the concept of 'good works'.  Good works are not just to serve other people, but they are done in obedience to God and in the pursuit of holiness (sanctification).  But the process of holiness is started by, carried out through the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart.  So how do I know what good works God is calling me to do vs. me becoming legalistic and checking off a list of dos and don'ts.  Or maybe a better way to frame this question is what is the difference between 'good works' and 'works of the law'?  

One thing I read just this morning helped shed some light on this - am I trying to earn salvation, or commendation/acceptance by doing this work?  That is a work of the law.  Am I following God and asking, seeking, seeing His provision to obey Him?  If so, then I am walking in His grace, these actions that flow from His provision of obedience, these are the good works He prepared for me.  

John Piper preached a sermon in the 80's, and he listed five steps towards walking by the Spirit that I find enormously helpful.  This is a very practical guide to understanding good works that are led by the Spirit instead of done by the flesh.  I am just summarizing his thoughts here (but please, please take the time to read his sermon in it's entirety - link provided)

1) Acknowledge - you must come to the realization that apart from God you are hopeless and helpless to do any good at all.

2) Pray - Pray 1 Thessalonians 3:12 - God, please establish my heart in love, cause me to increase and overflow with love for others *struggling with anyone/thing in particular?  Pray specifically for that area - for God to cause you to increase and overflow with love for _________.  And Hebrews 13:21 - God please equip me with every good thing to do Your will and work in me what is pleasing according to Your will.

3) Trust - we must believe that what God says in His Word is true.  Proceed in confident faith that God is going to accomplish our sanctification.

4) Act - notice it is the second to last step.  It is preceded by humble surrender, prayer, and faith.

5) Thankfulness - giving thanks to God for the provision, for His Spirit, for His strength, His forgiveness.

on getting vaccinated and other life tidbits

So, I got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine a couple of weeks ago and it was HORRIBLE.  By the evening after receiving the vaccine I had a really, really high fever, chilled, my heart rate stayed at 125 all night (I am usually in the 60's -70's for resting heart rate), and the pain...I cannot even begin to describe the aching pain - I have had the flu (several times) and the flu shot, plus I am up to date on all vaccines...I have never, ever experienced anything this miserable.  Not while being sick, and not after getting a vaccine.  I know other people personally who received this vaccine and were fine...but there is NO way I would get this vaccine again.  It took me most of the week (I got the shot on a Saturday) to feel back to normal.   

I am SO behind on my reading.  I don't know what is wrong with me this year, even the Challie's challenge I look forward to each year, with those tiny circles I love to check off...that hasn't even helped 😕.

My girls and I finally finished Book Four of the Wingfeather Saga (The Warden and the Wolf King), sobbing our way through a large portion of the final chapters.  I HIGHLY recommend this gorgeous series by Andrew Peterson, it is such a beautiful, beautiful set of stories that drives home the message of the gospel. the high cost of sin, and the beauty of forgiveness and love.  

We also finished :

Adventures with Waffles by Maria Parr (LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY!!!!!)

Betsy and Tacy by Maud Hart Lovelace

As for me, when my fever was raging and I hurt too bad to even roll over I listened to audible to try to get my mind off of my misery...years ago my girls made their ways through the Mysterious Benedict Society (by Trenton Lee Stewart) and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I never got past book one, but wanted to know how the rest of the series unfolded...so I finally finished book two and book three (they did NOT disappoint!)  Although using audible did not work (I was too miserable to concentrate) and I had to read through them once I felt better, I am so glad I did!

The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Perilous Journey

The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Prisoner's Dilemma

Journey to the Cross by Will Walker (still working on this one personally)

The Day Approaching by Amir Tsarfati 

This is it for all of March and the first portion of April.  😞

A few days ago, I pulled out my Bible, a composition book and have begun making my way, verse by verse, through the book of Romans.  I am using the Bible Hub and Blue Letter Bible app/websites to help.  Most of the time when I read through the book of Romans I find myself glossing over the majority of the content and when I am done with either the chapter(s) or the entire book, I am a bit vague as to what I just read.  I don't want to have just a vague notion of this letter from Paul, nor do I want any knowledge I have to come from what others have taught, wrote, and/or preached from this book.  No, I want these words that Paul penned through the power of the Holy Spirit to grab a hold of my heart and shape its landscapes and thoughts and in turn guide my behavior.

Well, that's it.  Oh, we have planted some lilac bushes (a gift from a wonderful friend!) and some irises (also from my friend) and I am SO SO SO SO excited.  I LOVE lilacs and irises (irises were in my wedding bouquet, and I will have to ask my mom, but I think I had lilacs too!!!!) and cannot wait until these take off.  One day, not too many springs from now, my yard is going to be SO SO beautiful and smell like heaven.  My husband is still (mostly) working from home and I find myself crying (pathetic I know!!) when he does have to go into the office.  The one amazingly awesome thing that came from the lock-down was Work From Home!!!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE having my husband home.  Have a great week - 

Why not be wronged...

What do you do when someone is doing something on purpose to annoy you?  

This is after you have spoken to them, to the person(s) in charge, you have taken steps on your part to minimize their access to your property etc; and still...they seemingly go out of their way to annoy/irritate you by doing the one thing that you have asked them not to do, even if it means extra effort on their part to do this???

I have talked to several people, prayed extensively about it, spent money and time putting actual physical boundaries in place...all to no avail.  This comes in the midst of bigger struggles in our lives, that are so much more important.  This is petty, meaningless, stupid.  I know this and still it gets my goat.  I am SO frustrated  - why in the world would someone(s) go to this much effort to annoy someone else?  

So yesterday I googled a verse that God had brought to my attention last year when I was frustrated over a similar situation in which I knew I was being wronged, but there was nothing I could do about it.  No matter how long and how hard I prayed...nothing changed.  One day, last summer, I was reading my Bible and 1 Corinthians 6:7 jumped out at me - and those two questions "Why not rather be wronged?  Why not rather be cheated?" hit my heart like a ton of bricks.  It resonated so deeply with me, and since then has popped to mind over and over and over in my heart anytime I start to utter "This is SO not fair".  So last night, I knew I would likely face this situation again and I prayed that God would give me the grace to rest in Him.  

The more I think about this situation and wrestle with the truth of God's Word vs. how I feel...I realize I have to choose obedience even when everything in me is screaming to hit back, to harbor those feelings of resentment and unfairness, to not rest in God's timing, to not trust He knows what He is asking us to do when He tells us to turn the other cheek (Matt. 5:39, Luke 6:29), to seek everyone's good in a situation (1 Thess. 5:15), to not repay evil with evil (1 Pet. 3:9).

1 Peter 2:21.  I want to follow in His footsteps, more than I want a situation to turn out in my favor, to be what I deem fair.  

Prayerfully, these situations will keep coming and will mold my heart to look like His.  Prayerfully, the icky feelings represent opportunities for my flesh to be crucified (Gal. 5:24) and His Spirit to guide me, counsel me, lead me.  (Gal. 2:20, 5:16, 6:14)