Brutal, in fact.
Last night though several things clicked into place.
First of all, a few weeks ago I read a book called Humbled by David Mathis. I picked this book up in late fall of 2021 and thumbed through it (or as much as you can do that on kindle 😊) and decided that was not a book to read yet. But, every other week or so, that book kept coming to mind or I would read an excerpt in a blog post somewhere, and I knew it was something I needed to read, I also knew that it was something that would be uncomfortable to read.
Both were true - I definitely needed to read that book and it was definitely an uncomfortable read.
Anyhow, yesterday I read the sweetest comment from Lauren (on Insta her handle is The James Method) and then an email reply from The Holy Mess regarding a video she posted about a new summer weight loss challenge that she is doing. Both were encouraging in very different ways, but through both two sins that have been jockeying for first place in my heart came to light: covetousness and self-pity.
Have you ever gone through a season in which it appears that every single other person is being blessed but you? The blessings can be financial, physical, health, friendship, community, spiritual, Biblical, revelation of God Himself...but you look around and cry UNFAIR! You feel forgotten, like you are in this season all alone? Like your life is either standing still, or worse, moving backwards. Then to top that it looks like everyone else is displaying their accomplishments like rare jewels in a desert and you stand there with nothing to show? Messes to hide, but no accomplishments that are worthy to draw anyone's attention to. You want what they have, or what you think they have, or at the very least less of the mess that you see when you gaze around you at your life.
This is covetousness.
I always thought covetousness was something else - like you drive by a great house and deeply desire to have that...but covetousness is a hideously ugly root that digs deep into your heart and breeds discontentment and self-pity and distrust of God. Because at its core, covetousness is that serpent in the garden asking did God really say....?
Covetousness breeds self-pity.
The good news though, there is a way out of the hamster wheel of misery. The anecdote is humility and repentance.
Through the years I have often told my girls that whatever they are struggling with, it loses power when you bring it into the light. A bad dream loses its intensity as you talk about it in the light of the morning, a sin loses its grip as you confess it and shine a light onto it, fear loses its strength as you talk about it (even if you feel like an idiot saying them out loud), and covetousness loses its grip as I humble myself under God and say 'have your way' and keep me in this season as long as necessary. I desire to be like Christ more than I desire ease and comfort and all of the 'things' that are constantly vying for my affections.
Covetousness and self-pity not only lose the strangle hold on my heart through humility, but also when I stop and look at God's Word and examine my heart, my life, and my fears through that filter. Then I have eyes to see all that He has richly blessed me with and can cry out THANK YOU SO MUCH with a genuine heart.
Because God has not left me alone. SO, SO far from it. He cared enough to get a book into my hands to prepare me for this season, He brought that post on Insta to my attention and also made sure I sat down and watched that video yesterday (was tempted to avoid Insta verse mapping posts because I dropped the ball on my maps and the video yesterday because I am struggling with weight right now). And He has done a million other things that I am not even aware of...
God give me the eyes to see Your hand, give me the heart to sense Your presence, and give me the strength to endure. Thank you SO much for all the blessings you have poured out over me. Forgive me for the ugliness of covetousness and self-pity. You are so, so good.
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