An Eleven Year Prayer...

I feel like, after the death of our second dog in a year, we have entered into a season of deep breaths.  It is as if everything has calmed down a bit, and for the first time in a long, long, LONG time we are able to take several deep breaths and relax a bit, instead of just bracing for the next impact.  We are still really sad, some days just tears come, but other days we are able to remember and smile...but I feel like we are on the other side of the constant hammering of hard we have had since late 2019.

Does that make sense?  

I have no idea how long this season will last, and it is not problem free (is life ever?) but it is a sweet gift and I am SO grateful that God has led us here.  Speaking of gratitude, my youngest and I were making our way through the grocery store yesterday after a doctor appointment, when I realized I had failed to thank God for something I had been praying for - for ELEVEN years.  Eleven years I have been asking Him for __________________ and He answered in such a sweet way.  And I did not even say thank you?  So, we stopped in our tracks.  Right at the end of the school supply aisle, and we whisper-prayed our profound thanks to an Almighty God who hears and who cares - about every.single.detail of our lives.  

On the way home from the store something else occurred to me.  In terms of prayer, I realized there is only one other prayer I have been praying for a few years longer than the one God just answered - a prayer to find a church home and a Godly family or two to do life with.  There have been a few times that I was sure He was answering the prayer, only to be really, really disappointed when things did not work out and the door closed.  However, after this week, I am convinced that in His time and in His way He will answer that - even according to our very unique needs.  Even after fourteen years and counting...He will answer.

My memory verse last week:

1 John 5:14

And this is the confidence that we have before Him; if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

💝

What I am learning in week one

1) Because I have used food (+ hot chocolates 😋) as my go-to comfort for the past year (plus), this cycle is going to be a lot harder to break than just deciding to do it.

2) I worry a LOT about what other people are thinking about my size, what I am or am not eating, what I am or am not doing for exercise etc;  I think yes, in my natural self, I would always have been conscious of this, however, growing up and training to be a professional ballerina took this mindset to a whole new level.  It was always ALWAYS about how the artistic director (&/or casting director) viewed your body as to whether he/she would cast you, how your partner viewed your body, how your teacher(s) viewed your body....Still fourteen years after I last performed and took a class somewhere, that mindset is still stuck firm.

3) In truth journaling I have discovered a pattern of lies I tell myself.  Daily.  

a) I want __________, so I should have or I will go get or I need to have it.  The truth:  Just because I want it, does NOT mean I should/can/need to have it.  Especially not if the thought pops in my mind and it isn't planned for.  I like how Sara and Becky encourage you to plan your treats (The Holy Mess and So Very Blessed).  What I need is to develop self-control and self-discipline.

b) I will start tomorrow.  The truth: I have never (NOT ONCE) started "tomorrow".  We aren't even guaranteed tomorrow.  All we have is today.  Right now.

c) What does it matter now?  I have already gained _____, what will one cookie, or a hot chocolate, or....matter?  The truth: My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and it was bought at a price.  It matters very much what I put into it. 

4) Have you ever asked yourself -'how much ____________ would be enough to satisfy you?  Fill you up?  Complete you?'  You can fill in the blank anything that you struggle with in terms of self-control or self-discipline.  Have you seen those really cute Instagram posts of animals doing a tiktok video to the background of a human saying "It will never be enough.  Never enough.  Like never, ever enough."? Those videos are SO cute.  And also SO true.  There will never be enough ___________ to satisfy me, because _________ was never meant to satisfy me (whether it's chocolate or trinkets or approval).  Paul tells me exactly how to break that cycle of thinking in Philippians 4:11-13.

Bullet Journal +

I've kept a bullet journal (bujo)  for quite some time now. (& just recently one of my girls started keeping one 💕) 

I love to make lists and I love to check the items off, which can be a blessing, but it can also be a BIG source of discouragement. I got into a rut with my bujo because it seemed like I either forgot to use it after I made the daily plan, or by 9 am our day was completely derailed by a meltdown or some kind of medical emergency. Which meant, by lunchtime, I felt defeated and overwhelmed, because there was NO way to recoup the morning plus get done what I planned for the afternoon (whether it was yard work, school, or house cleaning).

*sigh* The best laid plans, right?

Inspiration came in the form of Kari Denker (her blog used to be called Stone Soup for Five, but she has created a new platform called Ordinary Kari).  I decided to go in a whole new direction with my journal and it made a HUGE difference in our days.  First of all, I switched to using a weekly spread.   I marked off the top for Sunday through Saturday - using it to track the weather, a bucket to color in if I remembered to water and a tree doodle to color in if I worked outside mowing the grass, cutting down limbs etc;.  Under it I drew four bubbles to track my water intake each day.  Then I made a small list of upcoming appointments and phone calls (I am ALWAYS forgetting to call in to renew a medicine, or confirm an appointment).  This layout gives me a way to flip through and see how I am doing overall, plus it creates a fun memory book of sorts to look back.  

(this is the first time I added the water bubbles, so I mostly forgot to track them 😕)

Second, I started using Kari's idea to make a Bible page that uses numbering one through thirty (or thirty-one) down the left side and then writing one line to sum up what you read (or didn't read 😕) that day.  This is such a great way to make you think about what you read (it is hard to sum up reading if you just glaze over it) and a fantastic way to reinforce things that jump out to you as you're reading.

                                                    

Third, I started using a Calendex this summer.  I use it to color off the days, track when we get to church, and my steps.  I am showing you December - February because September - November have quite a bit of personal information penciled in.  As I complete a day, I color it in, usually a different color each day so that when I am done I have a pretty pattern.  

                                                       

Fourth, I pulled my school plans out and tried something completely different.  The first change I made back in July was to take a separate section of my journal and loosely lay out plans for what we needed to get done.  I then utilized a habit tracker to track one on one tutoring sessions - this is where we tackle the hardest subjects, the ones that encompass the vast majority of their learning struggles - math and language arts.  I then made a small place for notes on how each lesson went, what we got done and what we did not get to (& why).  Anyway, I have since moved my school plans completely out of my bujo and into a Mickey Mouse Happy Planner that I got for my birthday.  I am happy with this change.  

Fifth, I started doing an overview of the month page.  I divide the page in half, the right side highlights the habits I am working on for each goal category (example - in October my focus for fitness is doing my knee exercises every.single.day. and tracking what I eat on my LoseIt! app.  The left side will be for reflection at the end of the month.  What did I love most about October - drinking, eating, reading, watching, listening to, wearing, seeing?  So, basically using my five senses to make me think about the blessings I enjoyed most in October.  What makes the month you are on unique and special?  In July I was REALLY, really thankful to wear tank-top, shorts, and flipflops!  

Finally, I am trying something new this week.  I took four pages and went ahead and pre-drew the days so that I can track several weeks on the same page - weather, water, appts, & phone calls (working outside will be fewer and farther between because fall is FINALLY here 🍂🍁💖).  I did this so that I could implement what Barb Raveling calls Truth Journaling.  This is an incredible tool to have and TOTALLY worth buying her book if for no other reason than to learn how to do this!!!  Journal your thoughts unfiltered (in the case of this book it is regarding food/weight loss struggles...but you can apply this to EVERY and ANY area of your life that you are struggling with).  Then go back line by line and examine each and every thought.  What is the truth here?  She explains the process SO much better in her book Freedom from Emotional Overeating.

   

                                                    

  

If you are not a list person and do not like to journal - this all may sound like just a gigantic waste of time.  But I have tried digital and I have tried not journaling anything and I have tried simply using a post it note and minimal writing...the results have not been good.  I miss appointments, I forget to renew meds, I forget to read the book I need to read....the very act of writing it down and/or doodling motivates me to actually get the things done.  

PS please excuse my spacing errors - I try to fix them and only make them worse.  Oh well, at least you will be entertained as you read - my daughter pointed this out to me 😂

Emotional Overeating

I spent 2020 eating my feelings.  

Literally.

It was SUCH a brutal year for us.  So how did I respond?  I spent the entire year drowning my sorrows in chocolate and take out.  I gained quite a bit of weight.  This isn't the first time I have done this, either.  *sigh*

What should I do now?  Just give up?  Feel sorry for myself and go grab some more chocolate?  

OR

Should I let God use this time through as a way to reach my heart in ways that I have not been willing to work on until now?  

I chose the latter.  

I just started a Bible study called Freedom from Emotional Eating by Barb Raveling, I am pairing it with Sara Borgstede's Sustainable Weight Loss Solutions.  I hate starting a weight loss program - it seems to take FORever to see any progress.  

But, it is time.  And I am ready.

I am going to use my blog as an accountability tool for the next 40 days (the length of the Bible Study). 

😋

Reading, Watching, Listening, and Praying...

What we are reading right now:

Myself : 

I'm skimming Watchman Nee's "How to Study the Bible" (I think this is technically a book, but I found a PDF online of it, so I am not entirely sure if he wrote it as a book or just as a teaching?).  I don't like this one as much as I liked The Normal Christian Life, but I am still getting some good, solid information from it.  If you have a chance to read just one of Watchman Nee's works, hands down I recommend choosing The Normal Christian Life.

Hammer of God by Bo Giertz.  I am on novella three (the last one) in this volume.  I LOVE this book so much, it is SUCH a great picture of what it means to have saving faith in Jesus.  It reminds me so much of reading The Curate of Glaston by George MacDonald.  

I almost always have a Jenny B Jones' book going.  I love her earlier writing so much - Katie Parker and Bella Kirkwood are hilariously awesome.  I also decided it was time to reread Emily of New Moon, because every fall needs a little Lucy Maud Montgomery sprinkled in.  

What about you, do you reread books or are you a once and done kind of person?  I am a reread (and reread and reread and reread - ha!) type of person.

Aloud:

I am a firm believer that you never, ever outgrow picture books.  I use picture books ALL of the time to teach just about every subject you can think of.  Maybe it's because I am a visual learner, or maybe it's because picture books have the most beautiful artwork, whatever the reason...I love picture books.  Last week we got Tasha Tudor's Around the Year in the mail and completely adored it.  The artwork is absolutely gorgeous.  Which then, of course, I had to pull out my The Year at Maple Farm by Alice and Martin Provensen 😍

City Spies by James Ponti - this was an accidental find and we LOVE this.  It is SO cute.  

To each of the girls I am reading their own pick.  I have posted the titles several times - we take our time and this is such a treat, especially when it has been an especially long, difficult lesson. 💖

What we are watching:

on Friday nights we have started the loveliest of traditions.  We pile together in the girls' bedrooms. balance our dinner on trays perched on laps and watch a movie.  Lately we have been working our way through Hallmark's Garage Sale Mysteries. 

There must be something to this dinner and movie thing, because my husband and I try to eat dinner together four or five nights a week and watch a portion of an episode or movie together (the girls watch their own selection).  It makes a cheap and easy, yet special date night.  I love spending time with him so much.  We finally finished Castle (the entire series) and so we have been watching movies - Paul, the Apostle of Christs, Where Eagles Dare, Wrath of Man (some of those scenes I had to leave the room for), and the Mechanic (again had to leave the room for a few scenes - I am not a fan of gory or explicit content).  

At bedtime, my girls and I are working our way through the When Calls the Heart series.  We are just about to start season eight and I am not sure I am going to like it as much as I liked the previous ones. 

 *spoiler alert* do NOT read below this if you have not seen past season 5 of When Calls the Heart.

The show changed after Abigail and Jack left (although my favorite characters are Rosemary and Lee), Jack and Abigail TOTALLY balanced Elizabeth's twittiness (is that a word?) - she is such a shallow puffball without Abigail and Jack - they carried her character.

What we are listening to:

We have gotten into this habit of watching funny little videos on Instagram.  I also already have totally been playing Christmas music on Pandora.  I LOVE CHRISTMAS music.  SO much.

Praying...

There is SO so much hurt - everywhere.  It feels impossible to go an entire day without hearing about someone who is struggling to hold on through a devastating period of their life.  I think about the people in Afghanistan and Myanmar - I think about the mom who just lost her baby, the neighbor who lost their best friend, the acquaintance who lost her husband.  I think about the woman who lost her son (and in turn his wife and children that he left behind).  I think about the people recovering from COVID, the people who lost their furry companions, the people who are struggling to make ends meet, who are angry and hurt and lonely.  Those who don't know if they will have a job to go to tomorrow.  On and on and on it goes.  

But God.

Jesus be near.  Draw close to those who are brokenhearted, gather them close in Your arms and hold them close.  You are our only hope.  In Your name alone do we gather and to Your presence alone do we flee.  

Tidbits

First of all, saying goodbye to Tanner on Monday was awful.  I absolutely hate this part of owning pets.  It hurts so much.

Second of all, God showed up in such unexpected ways.  An unexpected package at our front door when we got home from the vet full of treats for my girls, but especially for my youngest.  Which was like a balm to her broken heart.  She loves unicorns and that was the theme of almost everything in this box.  Such a sweet gift from a friend and such a sweet surprise and only God could do this timing. The tech in the room with us was so incredibly gentle and compassionate.  I appreciated that so much.  My husband left work unexpectedly when it became clear to me we should not/could not wait - came home, took us, then sat and waited on me while comforting the girls - and then was so incredibly kind and gentle - even though I know he is just as sad.  My coffee friend - I texted her to tell her - she knew Tanner and she was so sweet in her texts back.  Later that day she dropped off a treat for us and the sweetest card.  My friend Jeanne, she has the sweetest heart.  I love that about her.  She has been such a good friend to me, I don't know if she realizes how much her friendship means to me.  My mom - she just lost her dog a few weeks ago to cancer.  She herself is grieving, yet prayed for us through this and has encouraged me daily with pooh bear texts.  SO SO sweet.  I love pooh bear.  It is going to take me a while to get over this - it is much like ripping the Band-Aid off  of our hearts so close to losing Arendale.  

Third of all, losing something or someone you care about is the closest I get to truly understanding the horror of sin.  To me, I never get a clearer picture of the ugliness of sin than through death.  I know if you have not ever owned a pet - or if you do not become attached to your pets - it is weird to hear about how hard the loss is, but it is a profound loss.  I lost a loyal friend, a faithful companion.  My youngest lost her furry adventure companion, the one she whispered secrets to and the one she practiced her reading with, the one she dressed up, and took on buggy rides.  She lost the dog that ate all her crayons and climbed in the box that they imagined to be a ship one day and set sail, then an elevator the next, and later that week  a secret hide-out spot to spy on the bad guys.  Our entire family lost a great dog, with such a sweet, sweet laid back disposition.  He was funny and weird and just fit in to our family so well.  He was terrified of bubbles, had an affinity for crayons and once literally ate his entire food dish minus the rim.  He stole birthday cake (chocolate), ate half a loaf of bread one time before we found him, could get out of almost any gate (even half paralyzed), ate half a bag of apples (core and all), ate more barbie dolls and toys than I can count, loved to run, hated cats, learned to lick once we brought Buddy our chihuahua home.  He loved to ride in the car, hated going to the vets, took his meds in pill pocket treats only occasionally spitting the meds back out to get more treat.  For the longest time we actually thought he was mute, that is until he saw his first cat.  

He was just one of a kind.  

And now he is gone and we feel such a profound sense of loss.  

That is what sin does.  It destroys everything good.  It takes and does not give you anything in return.  It is suffocating in its grief.  It separates us from a holy God.  And the loss is more profound than we even realize.

But, God.  

He offers us a covering - a protection from this loss without hope.  He offers Himself in His Son.  Jesus is everything.  He is the anchor to grab on to when it feels like life is so overwhelmingly awful.  He is the cure to accept when sin eats away at you.  He is the blood that was shed to clean you up, He is the righteousness that covers you like a robe, He is your very life.  He is the only answer that will ever come up to every single question you ask.  Jesus is way, the truth, and the life.  So, yes life hurts.  It knocks you down and sometimes pummels you.  

But, God.  

Just like my mom has reminded me continually this week - keep looking up.  💖☩

*this last part of my post doesn't really fit in, but as a mom to special needs' teens and teens with learning differences - I did not want to fail to mention this :

October is Dyslexia Awareness Month.  Marianne Sunderland at Homeschooling with Dyslexia is offering her Parent Dyslexia Courses at half-off.  Please, go look at her website and check out this amazing offer.  She also just published a book, I'd planned on reading it before now, but life has been so overwhelming that I have not had time, but it is called No More School : Meeting the Educational Needs of Kids with Dyslexia and Language-Based Learning Difficulties.  Amazon carries it and it looks amazing.  

No matter where life takes you today - keep looking up.  God will never leave us or forsake us.  He goes with us and watches over us, He is faithful and good and full of compassion.  💖🕆

Letting Go

You have no idea when you get first set eyes on that fluffy, furry, wriggling mass of puff that this is going to be one of the best friends you will ever have.  

But they end up being a better friend than most humans.

No one tells you that you will love this little guy so much that when he hurts, you hurt.  No one explains the chances of disease, seizures, neurological struggles, old age, the loss of function and requirement of care and attention they might need.  

No one tells you when you first look in their eyes that you will most likely outlive them, and that you will be responsible for their end of life care.  No one tells you that someday you might have to make a really, really difficult decision to let them go and end their suffering.

No one does.

But they should.

I have always loved dogs.  From my earliest memories - dogs were all that and a bag of chips to me.  I wanted to have a dog by my side in every stage of my life.  We had dogs my whole life (growing up) and then my husband and I have owned dogs pretty much our entire married life and in the raising of our girls.  But just in the past year have I experienced the awfulness of euthanasia, the heart rending discussions that lead up to the trauma of that final goodbye.  We had to put down Arendale last October and now, this week, we are going to have to say goodbye to Tanner, our 17 year old dog.  

I cannot even begin to describe the surprising level of grief I've experienced over the past year for Arendale.  He was a constant companion to me, and that loss was something I was not prepared for.  Tanner is a different kind of loss, in that he is 17 years old (not 4 like Arendale was), he has lived a long life, so I should on some level be prepared to say goodbye.  But I am not.  He has been the kind of dog that is so laid back and has just kept going no matter what came our way, that I guess I sort of started believing he would just always be here.  On some level, I don't remember a time when he wasn't a part of our family, yet the day we got him fifteen years ago is so crystal clear, it is as if it happened last week.  I took my then 4 year old, 2 year old, and 6 week old to our local pound.  We prayed right before we went in and then my 4 year old spotted him.  He sat quietly, sadly in between a mass of barking and wriggling dogs, older than the puppy we went for (they had already sold her), but in that moment, we knew, he was waiting for us.  

Tanner has been so faithful, so gentle, so laid back.  He was more than likely two and a half years old when we got him (they were not exactly sure of his age), so that makes him at least 17 years old.  But he is so tired and has some sort of neurological complication, not just from his fall in May, but something that has progressed to the point that this past week he re-lost all the movement in his back end that he had re-gained, he has lost the ability to sit up, and he can no longer control his bowels and bladder.  He is so very tired.  I had prayed and hoped he would just pass on his own, because after Arendale, I did not EVER want to make this decision again.  

But it is time.  He is ready.  I am not ready to say goodbye, but he is ready.   Please pray for us, and especially for my youngest daughter.  This dog and her have been two peas in a pod - this loss is going to be hard on all of us, but especially so on her.